You never know when God is going to touch your heart... For all you know, you might just be sitting down with your sister on Easter Monday, watching The Sound of Music and eating Easter candy, and then out of the blue your attention is drawn to this conversation between Maria & the Reverend Mother:
Maria: I left... I was frightened... I was confused. I felt, I've never felt that way before, I couldn't stay. I knew that here I'd be away from it, I'd be safe...I can't face him again... Oh, there were times when we would look at each other. Oh, Mother, I could hardly breathe... That's what's been torturing me. I was there on God's errand. To have asked for his love would have been wrong. I couldn't stay, I just couldn't. I'm ready at this moment to take my vows. Please help me.
Reverend Mother: Maria, the love of a man and a woman is holy too. You have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is how God wants you to spend your love.
Maria: But I pledged my life to God. I pledged my life to his service.
Reverend Mother: My daughter, if you love this man, it doesn't mean you love God less. No, you must find out and you must go back.
Maria: Oh, Mother, you can't ask me to do that. Please let me stay, I beg of you.
Reverend Mother: Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live.
I used to be all about Liesl, loving her love story and singing about how I'm 16 going on 17. (What girl doesn't belt out that song at some point in her life?!) But now that I'm in my late (eek!) twenties, Maria is definitely my favorite. I love how Maria is struggling with her discernment - because I can totally relate to the struggle! About a year ago, I was really actively toying with the question of if I am called to be a nun. I always tell my teens to discern their vocations, but am I really open to whatever God has in store for me? Long story short, and after a few passionate conversations with a couple of good friends, I don't think that's where God is calling me right now (though I am keeping that door open just in case!). However, I TOTALLY get Maria's feelings!
I left...I was frightened...I was confused. [...] I knew that here I'd be away from it, I'd be safe. Have you ever felt like you don't know what to do with a feeling - especially one that can change your life? For Maria, the idea of opening herself up to the Captain and admitting that she loved him was horrifying, because it could change everything! Plus, she'd have to let herself be vulnerable...which is often not a fun feeling. God's loving embrace should be our refuge, but that doesn't mean that we can just stay there, huddled up and not dealing with the world. God's love is active, it doesn't sit still for eternity! It's all about transforming the world for the better! For me right now, I can see how I've become comfortable being single, and I could let myself be comfortable in this state of life forever. But is that what God's calling me to? Sure, for right now, but there's a good chance it's not my full vocation. Just because the idea of dating and marriage sounds scary, does that mean that it's not worth it? What if it'll help me enter into His embrace even more?
That's what's been torturing me. I was there on God's errand... This begs the question, do we ever really know the full picture of what God's calling us to and why? I'd say that it's very rare, especially when we're in the moment. I know I tell myself that "this is what God wants for me" and I put a period on the end of that, as if I know that this is what God's calling me to and that's it. That's it? Doubtful, right? God is always calling us deeper into His love! Why do we torture ourselves, trying to stay in one place, instead of really opening ourselves up in prayer to the fullness of God's will?
You have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is how God wants you to spend your love. This might be the best discernment advice I've ever heard. I can feel Maria's pain when she says that she's ready at this moment to take her vows - because I've been there! I have those moments in prayer when I'm yelling at God. I can see how Maria thinks "hey, I've let myself be drawn to this convent from a very early age, and I want to give my life to God - that should be it! It's beautiful, it's what I want, it's loving God!" ...and for Maria, it's an easier choice, the one that doesn't challenge her to become a stronger and more courageous person. I've desperately wanted to just give God my life - but, I forget the grace that is in the patient waiting and praying and listening. Just because it's a good option doesn't mean it's the option that God's leading me to - and if it's not the option that God's trying to lead me to, it's not the one for me (even if it is the best and most beautiful option for someone else!). There are lots of wonderful ways to love God, and love God with your whole heart - but which is the one that is best for you?
Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live. You can't shut out your problems forever and think that you can fly by them in order to get to heaven! The Church, your vocation, and your life are meant to bring you closer to Christ - but that doesn't mean that being Catholic, or figuring out that you're called to marriage, or finding the right friends or right job will let you pass by every challenge. Instead, they give us a way to handle our problems and find the meaning within them. They help remind us to keep our focused on Christ when we do struggle, so that when we get to St. Peter and have to choose Christ or ourselves, we choose Christ because we've trusted Him all along. God created us out of love for love - stop being scared of what might happen or not happen, have faith, and live the life you were born to live!
So thank you, Maria, for being real and speaking what was truly the struggle of your heart. You've made me more thankful for the people in my life who have been my Reverend Mother - my in-the-moment spiritual directors who encourage me to keep listening to the Holy Spirit as it moves in my life. I can be decent at hearing God's will...but deciding what the right step is and when to take it is hard! Here's to hoping that we are always open in our different moments of discernment - and once we've heard God, we find the encouragement and strength we need to step out and walk on the water.
Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live. You can't shut out your problems forever and think that you can fly by them in order to get to heaven! The Church, your vocation, and your life are meant to bring you closer to Christ - but that doesn't mean that being Catholic, or figuring out that you're called to marriage, or finding the right friends or right job will let you pass by every challenge. Instead, they give us a way to handle our problems and find the meaning within them. They help remind us to keep our focused on Christ when we do struggle, so that when we get to St. Peter and have to choose Christ or ourselves, we choose Christ because we've trusted Him all along. God created us out of love for love - stop being scared of what might happen or not happen, have faith, and live the life you were born to live!
So thank you, Maria, for being real and speaking what was truly the struggle of your heart. You've made me more thankful for the people in my life who have been my Reverend Mother - my in-the-moment spiritual directors who encourage me to keep listening to the Holy Spirit as it moves in my life. I can be decent at hearing God's will...but deciding what the right step is and when to take it is hard! Here's to hoping that we are always open in our different moments of discernment - and once we've heard God, we find the encouragement and strength we need to step out and walk on the water.
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